Dear world: let it be known that I have written a song about peeing. Yep, that’s a proud fact for my resume. And of course the perfect song style to sing about the torment of having to go is blues.

There’s no T-shirt or power hour gear design for this track because I couldn’t think of anything people would want to wear that’s about urination. And beverage containers with a saying about body waste is, well, let’s say “unappealing”.

Anyway, not peeing is not fun so anyone that says you can’t go to the bathroom during a power hour is a dumbhead. I’d much rather you miss this song than miss how dry your pants used to be. So take a TO from the game and get that business done. Or if you’re someplace with lots of stalls, take a TV timeout: stop the music and let all the players get refreshed. Maybe even have a pee-off where the last one still going wins.

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Lyrics:
It’s a puzzle that just drinking down a small ounce one by one
Could completely fill your bladder long before the hour’s done
You can’t bear to miss the action, will not leave and miss a song
But you find that you can only really hold it for so long
Did you make it to the bathroom or is your seat a little wet?

What I really want to know is did you break the seal yet?

If you didn’t break it yet you’re holding out cause when you do
You know you’ll go 20 more times before the hour’s through
And that can get risky cause when you run to the pot
You can only spend a minute there or else you’ll miss a shot
Perhaps you haven’t gone cause you’re trying to win a bet

Have you given up your wager? Did you break the seal yet?

It’s called “Liquid Blank” because it’s “Liquid _______”. You fill in the blank. “Liquid courage” is a somewhat common term that describes alcohol as an enabler of bravery. Well, a lesser known term is “liquid blanket” which objectifies how one can withstand a colder atmosphere when one has been drinking.

This song expands that concept into other areas where alcohol makes you superhuman. When you’re drunk enough to go sliding down a snowy hill on your butt, you’ve got a “liquid sled”! Didn’t even notice it was pouring down rain? You’ve got a “liquid umbrella”! You could argue that drunk running is really just a “liquid car”. Since writing this song, I’ve had someone tell me about a “liquid condom”. I wouldn’t recommend it.

The concept for filling in the blank after “liquid” came from one fateful college night right before summer break was starting. Helga*, Nancy*, Sally* and I were walking home from the bar and because the school year was almost over, students had been cleaning out their apartments that day. As we’re trekking down the street lamenting how much longer we had to walk, we came upon a couch someone had left out on campus. You have to understand, this was mind blowing at the time. We were tired, a bit dizzy and there was this couch out of nowhere to make everything better. We freaked out that we had found a “liquid couch” and promptly enjoyed its comfort. Had it not been for the photographic evidence [shown above], I would still believe that we were just laying on the sidewalk thinking it was a comfy sofa. Good thing I was wearing my “liquid Hazmat suit” so the grossness of laying on a foreign couch didn’t bother me.

*Names have been changed to protect the inebriated.

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Lyrics:
If it’s cold out and you don’t like it
Take another shot for a liquid blanket

Or maybe it’s wet out and you’re not a rain kind of fellow
Then finish your beer. You’ll need a liquid umbrella

You’re really drunk but you’ve got to travel far
Turn that feeling into a liquid car

Or you’re outside and the snow is falling on your head
Thank goodness you’ve got that liquid sled

If you’re almost passing out you won’t hit the cement and say, “ouch”
‘Cause you can lay yourself down on that liquid couch

So you’re not that strong but you want a tough guy badge
Take a little sip of that liquid courage

Yep. I took a children’s rhyme and turned it into a drinking song. You’re welcome.

I wanted a contrast between the music and the original kid’s chant so I wrote the backing track as a dirty, chopped and screwed hip hip hop beat. Lots of people will clap along to this song because they’re too drunk to realize I never actually say, “Clap your hands.”

Really though, if you think you’re drunk, you’re probably not. When someone’s really smashed they’ll tell you, “I’m FIIIIINE,” and then try and hold a conversation with a new friend. . . which turns out to be a plant, and help tidy up your table at the bar. . . which means seven broken glasses, and check their phone to follow up on some work emails. . . which gets them fired.

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Lyrics:
If you’re wasted and you know it you’re not wasted
If you’re wasted and you know it you’re not wasted
If you’re really truly gone
You will think that nothing’s wrong
If you really think you’re drunk you’re probably wrong

If you’re smashed and you know it you should drink
If you’re smashed and you know it you should drink
If you’re actually that cranked
You will think that you’re a tank
And you’ll tell your friends that you have barely drank

If you’re slammed and you know it you’re not slammed
If you’re slammed and you know it you’re not slammed
If you could blow a two
You will probably have no clue
So if you think you’re slammed finish your brew

If you’re wrecked and you know it you’re probably wrong
If you’re wrecked and you know it you’re probably wrong
Looking back tomorrow
Is the only way to know
And you probably won’t remember I told you so

It happens, without fail, during every power hour. Everyone feels the effects and at least one person says, “That song was way shorter than a minute.” or, “I just finished my shot. This can’t be the next one.” or, “Who changed the timer to every 10 seconds?” Because this never fails to occur, proven time and time again through multiple trials, I have deduced that people playing power hours actually time travel. They start out at what is perceived as normal time and accelerate exponentially until they approach light speed at minute 60. This is fact.

Based on this fact we can extrapolate that power hour players emerge from a game having experienced time faster than the rest of the world and will have aged less. Playing power hours makes you younger. Proven.

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Lyrics:
Remember back at the beginning
Sixty seconds seemed so long
And you’d sit there waiting
Just to move to the next song
But then the minutes passed and
I kept on singing
And funny now it seems that
Everyone is thinking

These songs keep getting faster
That was not a minute long
By the time you’ve filled your shot glass
You’re already on to the next song

I swear I’m not changing
And starting a new song before the minute’s through
But maybe you shouldn’t trust me
And maybe it’s true

These songs keep getting faster
That was not a minute long
By the time you’ve filled your shot glass
You’re already on to the next song

So time is disappearing
As you finish this hour of power
And that’s the mystery of
Going zero to sixty in one hour

These songs keep getting faster

You’ll notice that there are two claps after every time I sing “You’re halfway”. Now, whenever I’m halfway through something, anything, I clap twice to celebrate. I hope this catches on. Page 5 of a 10 page paper? *Clap clap!* Mile 13.1 of a marathon? *Clap clap!* Wednesday? *Clap clap!* It’s a satisfying way to say, “It’s all coasting downhill from here!” Of course, drinking 30 shots after having 30 shots isn’t exactly coasting. But getting this far still deserves some self applause.

This song is really just made up of a ton of different instruments playing one right after another. And they all play the same three notes: the notes I sing for the words “You’re halfway!” I wanted it to feel like all the instruments were telling you “You’re halfway! You’re halfway! You’re halfway!” and celebrating your accomplishment.

It’s always fun to perform this song live because I invite a guest cowbellist on stage for 60 seconds. Even a quite tipsy individual can still whack a drumstick for a minute so the performance is usually stellar. Someday in a perfect world, Will Ferrel will be in the audience and I’ll pull him up on stage for MORE COWBELL! Also, this dream performance will take place in Halfway, Oregon. (Also Halfway, Oregon should make this their town’s official song.)

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Lyrics:
You’re halfway!
You’re halfway!

You’re halfway!
You’re halfway!

You’re halfway!
You’re halfway!

The chant from this song is actually employed by students at my college on a regular basis. Fraternity sound systems and fraternity DJs aren’t the most reliable so it’s common for the music to abruptly cut out in the middle of a dance party. When this happens, everyone, including the brothers in said fraternity, will chant “THIS FRAT SUCKS!” until the music comes back on. It’s just terrific.

Because of how terrific this is, I present the idea that one should use the chant in other life situations. Awkward music cutouts are quite common. Wedding receptions, office parties, church, piano recitals, etc. should not be immune to hilarious chants. Everyone needs to collectively let that DJ know he’s a doof.

This track is actually shorter than one minute to illustrate my point. (Don’t worry, the whole album together is still precisely 1:00:00 long. I know you were concerned.) The music starts skipping and then cuts out so you can practice chanting “THIS FRAT SUCKS!” at your own power hour party.

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Lyrics:
No matter where you’re at
This chant’s appropriate

THIS FRAT SUCKS
THIS FRAT SUCKS
If the music stops awkwardly
Tell the DJ angrily

THIS FRAT SUCKS
THIS FRAT SUCKS

Well you are singing along
And then something goes wrong

THIS FRAT SUCKS
THIS FRAT SUCKS

Weddings, office parties, church
There’s no wrong place to use these words

THIS FRAT SUCKS
THIS frat . . . sucks . . .
Come on, really?
This frat sucks

Drinking too much causes two types of vomit. This song is about the kind known as word vomit. Sometimes you just gotta get smashed and let your roommate know that you pee in the shower. (Thanks, Trudy*) Or tell your coworker you don’t think she went to high school. Or point out that your friend’s boyfriend has weird, tiny hands. Or admit you don’t actually have a “thing” Friday night, you just said you did. Shutting off your frontal lobe comes in handy in these situations.

One day I need to perform a power hour but serve only O’Doul’s without telling anyone. I’d love to see the chaos that ensues when people only think they’re getting wasted. Of course, my friends would show up already drunk and ruin my experiment.

*Names have been changed to protect the inebriated.

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Lyrics:
Honesty seems to be so easy with booze
Though I think people would tell the truth if you secretly gave them O’Doul’s
Either way drinking’s a good excuse to tell the truth

Maybe you do look fat in that
Or I hooked up with your roommate Matt
It was actually me that killed the cat

Of course I can tell your boobs are fake
That vegetarian meal was actually steak
This relationship sucks. I need a break

I kind of think Mickey Mouse is hot
And Kenny G is my weak spot
I watch porn a whole lot

If you want the facts from your friends then beer ‘em
‘Cause alcohol is truth serum

27 shots means it’s time to get out that mobile device. This song is about drunk texts but it could really include drunk tweeting, drunk emailing, drunk photo uploads to Facebook, really any type of social+digital interaction under the influence. Technology, alcohol and public broadcasting are always a delightful combination.

I found that a lot of my concert goes ended up texting me on stage as I was singing this song. This made me realize that power hour-ers deserved a public forum to display their drunk texts. So, I set up a number and “The 27th Shot” website where you can drunk text me at any time and I’ll post it up on teh internetz! Check out shot27.powerhouralbum.com to vote on the best wasted musings.

This song has a hidden (and nerdy) puzzle/joke in the lyric “Tell you’re friend you’re at ‘clip drinking hand concept’”. That sentence is a mangled version of what T9 predictive text and AutoCorrect might do when you’re drunkenly trying to type “Ali’s drinking game concert”.

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Lyrics:
It’s that time you start feeling a little weird
Go ahead and text someone that’s not here

What better way for you to waste ten cents?
Just make sure you don’t send to your parents
Type what you’re thinking and then hit send
It’s OK if you spelled “of” with a colon

Go ahead and text someone that’s not here
Who needs home keys when you’ve got a thumb?
Let’s just hope T9 predicts the right one
Or maybe send some swear words to your ex
Or tell your friend you’re at “clip drinking hand concept”

Go ahead and text someone that’s not here